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Why Nice Guys Always Get Friend-Zoned. And How To Get The Girl [x-post from /r/seduction] I'm a nice guy who doesn't get friend-zoned. Though I have friend-zoned quite a few women. "Nice" is not your problem. Nice is an attractive quality that does help you get close with women, but it's not enough on its own. Your problem is that you think the formula looks like this: IF: I am nice THEN: Woman will want to sleep with me But being nice is only a small part of the formula. Every woman has her own unique scorecard for attraction. Her scorecard is a list of things that make her attracted to someone. She's probably not consciously aware of her scorecard, but it does exist on a subconscious level. Let's say Mary's scorecard looks like this. These are the things that make Mary attracted to someone: - He makes me laugh (30 attraction points) - He can cook (30 points) - He is confident (20 points) - He is comfortable discussing his emotions (20 points) - He is close with his family (20 points) - He is a good listener (10 points) - He is nice (10 points) - He has big muscles (5 points) - He has a good career (5 points) As a guy, you just need to score 100 points or more... then you're golden. If you're a nice guy with big muscles and nothing else going for you, she's 15% attracted to you. **Friend zone.** If you're a nice guy who's confident and a good listener she's 40% attracted to you. **Friend zone.** If you're a nice guy who's confident, can cook, make her laugh and is close with his family, she's 110% attracted to you. **It's on.** The problem is that you don't know what each woman's scorecard looks like. Jennifer might have a completely different scorecard: - He takes care of his body (40 attraction points) - He has a friendly smile (40 points) - He's a good listener (30 points) - He has a car (20 points) - He runs his own business (20 points) - He's nice (20 points) - He adventurous (10 points) - He's good with kids (10 points) - He buys me gifts (5 po

Here's How To Snap Out Of An Anxious Mood And Take Control Of A Social Situation Panic. You’ve just spotted her at the other end of the grocery aisle. That girl from the other team at work. *What was her name again? Shit, I can’t remember.* You only ever speak with her at the coffee machine… mostly about the weather and whether or not your weekends were good. You quickly look the other way. *Maybe she hasn’t seen me yet.* You like to avoid awkward interactions. They make you anxious. But what’s so awkward about them? Why are we afraid of a little chit-chat? **How to snap out of an anxious mood with a co-worker** The above example is awkward because we’re meeting Coffee-machine Girl in a new and unfamiliar setting. We know how our espresso interactions go, but we don’t know how this grocery-aisle interaction is supposed to go. We haven’t had time to prepare, and we panic about what to say. The above paragraph is the Elephant In Your Head. It’s using pretty much all of your brainpower, but you ignore your Elephant and say something like this instead: *Oh heyyyy, how are you?* *Oh heyyy, I'm good. How are you?* (Ggyyyhhh this is awkward... <lump in throat> ) *Yeah I’m good. Just getting some groceries.* *Cool, me too. What are you buying?* *Ahh, some noodles, and some veg. What about you?* *Nice, ahh, I’ve got some chicken.* ... *Cool, well I’ll see you at work.* *K, see ya.* <facepalm> It’s awkward because your words are incongruent with what’s in your head. You’re anxious because you’re ignoring your Elephant. You **(1) didn’t expect to see Coffee-machine Girl here** and you **(2) don’t know what to talk about**. THAT’s what’s going on in your head, right? So say that. In a fun way. *Hey, how’s it going? It’s (1) so weird seeing you outside of work. My (2) brain's trying to work out what to talk to you about.* *Heyyy, haha. Yeah, it’s so strange.* You’ve acknowledged that you’re a little uncomfortable. She’s accepted your feeling about the sit

What makes a good listener? A good listener doesn't listen to respond. They listen to **learn**. "Listening" is not just "hearing". It's asking good questions that help you **understand** the other person. My girlfriend told me *"I don't like it when you tell me how to do things. I feel like you're judging me."* *"I'm not judging you."* I said. *"It was just a suggestion."* **I was not listening.** Regardless of how I experienced it, her experience was that I was judging her. A bad listener focuses on explaining his own experience. A good listener focuses on learning about the other person's experience: * "Which part makes you feel like I'm judging you?" * "Was it what I said, or how I said it?" * "How would you like me to make suggestions in future? Or would you prefer it if I didn't make suggestions?" A good listener improves the way he relates with the other person by learning how they think. Learning what's important to them. A bad listener learns nothing. At an interview for a sales job I was asked *"How will you bring us 10 new clients in your first month?"* I didn't have an answer prepared. I panicked and blurted out the usual ways of reaching new clients. It was an empty, generic answer. **I was not listening. Any monkey could've rattled off that list.** When the interviewer asked that question what he really wanted to know was: *"Does this guy know what he is doing?"* A good listener would've unpacked the interviewer's question and learned what the interviewer was looking for: *"You know I haven't really thought about specific strategies. What's your biggest bottleneck right now in getting new clients on board?"* A good listener aims to understand deeply. A bad listener misses the point. If you want to learn how to ask good questions and connect with people deeply through conversation check out [Make Real Friends: 3 Conversation Hacks You Never Knew](http://beardstrokings.com/conversation-hacks-guide/?utm_source=r-socialengineering&utm

This might be the reason why you just can't connect with some people. You’ve probably had conversations with some people where you just can't seem to click with them. This might be the reason behind it. Some people prefer to zoom out. They think and talk about GENERAL things: ideas and concepts. Some people prefer to zoom in. They think and talk about SPECIFIC things: details and examples. **Example:** *Elena:* How was your day? *Pablo:* Good. Productive. I got a lot done. How was yours? *Elena:* Well! When I woke up I made toast, with butter and vegemite. I left it in the toaster a little too long and it got a bit burnt, but I scraped it off with a knife and it was fine. Then I cycled to work. I went down Oxford Street this time instead of my usual route down Henry Cotton Drive because I wanted a change. My boss didn’t have anything for me to do today so I made an appointment to see the Doctor next Wednesday at 5pm and spent the rest of the day on Facebook chatting to Sofia about her baby, Ivan, who has a cold and Esteban about his new Porsche. Then I came home down Oxford Street again because it was so lovely in the morning. It wasn’t as nice in the evening. And now I’m talking to you. *Pablo:* So was your day good or not? *Elena:* I want to know what you did all day. Pablo likes ideas and concepts (zoomed out). Elena likes details and examples (zoomed in). Pablo is bored senseless by Elena’s details and Elena feels like Pablo doesn’t want to share things with her. Pablo is interested in the big picture. He wants to understand the point of what Elena is telling him. What does it mean? Did she have a good day or a bad day? Elena is interested in specifics. She wants to know what made Pablo’s day good or bad. What does he mean by ‘productive’? What did he get done? If you find yourself in a conversation that just isn’t working you might be speaking to someone who has a different zoom preference. All you have to do to connect with them is zoom in or ou